HELP! I need jokes

[Aled]

I need some funny jokes to go up against Jimmy Carr tomorrow!

Please help!

x

[Mitchell]

As a child, Jimmy Carr always wanted to be a comedian, but everyone laughed at him.

They're not laughing now.

[postie]

1: I had an oddjob man in to help me do some work around the house.
I gave him a list of 10 things to do.
He only did numbers 1,3,5,7 and 9


2: I have a nickname for my girlfriend, I call her 'babe'...she looks just like the movie star

3: This really ugly woman goes to see her doctor, severely depressed and suicidal.

"Doc, I can't stand it any more," she says. "No-one will look at me, touch me or kiss me. Can you help me at all?" she asks.

The doctor replies, "Sure, just lie down over there on the couch first. Face down, please.

4: You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.

It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.

5: When madonna first came to England she said she wanted to be more English; she's now an unmarried mother with three kids and one of them's black, how much more English can one get?

last one

Three bird watchers are talking in a pub. The first man says, "I call my wife 'Dove' as she is small and petite". The second man says, "I call mine 'Flamingo' as she is tall and slender". The third man says, "Huh. I call mine 'thrush' cos she's an irritating ****"

[Mitchell]

A man robs a bank, and has hostages. He asks the first hostage "Did you see me rob the bank?" The hostage says "yes", so the robber shoots him. He asks the second hostage "did you see me rob the bank?" and the hostage says "No, but my wife did."

(As an aside - Aled, please tell Chris to pronounce George Takei's name properly - it's "Ta-kay", as in "Okay". He said so himself on the Stern show. Thx luv u <3 x)

[jet]

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

[bbb]

ther most stupidst f jokes ever

What do you call a leg less dear?
da (da meaning dad norn irish thing)

I have some vet jokes but there rather compacalited and stupid will try and type one of them

A brid bangs into a car window the man gets out takes the brid to the vet and asks the vet to cheeck to see if its dead the vet goes out side and lifts his cat brings the cat in and sets it next to the brid the cat stiffs it then walks off

the vet then says that will be 50 pounds then man says what the vet replys for then Cat Scan

there all not that funny tbh tho i have got a few laughs out of this ture fact

its a crime in thailand to leave home with out under pants on I want to know how its policed pants fact?

thats all i can give ya i do funny things more than i say funny things

[Andrew80]

Barack Obama reaches the gates of heaven and St Peter asks his name.........

St Peter checks through the list and says - no sorry, im not expecting you, are you sure you are meant to be here? Are you famous?

Obama says - yes check again - I was elected president yesterday!


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Another St Peter one.........

The pope reaches the pearl gates and St Peter gives him his tour - St Peter says if you look right that room has all the muslims, on the left, all the jews, walking along, all the presbyterians ...... etc........... then St peter says Shhhhhhh! and tip toes past a room, The pope says why are we being quiet - he says - thats the room with all the Catholics they think they are the only ones up here!

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Cant think of any others but heard those today!

[postie]

Good Aled ;)

[Yudster]

Jeesh, Aled, you were RUBBISH!!!! Very funny though, love Jimmy Carr.

Someone just told me a joke you should have used, appropriate to your recent Surgery -

Why did God invent Thrush?

So women could experience living with an irritating **** before they get married.

[postie]

i enjoyed that today thanks

[Ajayrious]

By the way Aled, I'm from Nuneaton. HI!!!

I didnt get the joke either, especially as i'm fat. So you know i was thinkin, "that study werent very good" lol.

[Ali]

:L Some of your jokes made me laugh Aled, good attempt!